Hi there, Catie here! Here to probably disappoint you. Or not, I don’t know, keep reading to find out.
I get two questions when I “come out” to people as poly the first is “How did you meet them?” and the second is really more of a statement “The sex must be constant and great, right?”
So as Lena mentioned in her post that this was supposed to be an after break up summer fling for me. Worst. Fling. Ever. Flings are supposed to end. Turns out it was a great start to a more serious, if unusual, relationship. But it was NOT a summer fling.
Picture it, spring 2007:
Ri’s dad and I had broken up in February, I had a 3-5 year plan to move to Hawaii, I loved my co-workers but hated my job. And I didn’t have much a of life outside of Ri and work. I was sorta depressed. Ok, I was really depressed and more than a little disappointed with myself in general. Around April of that year a woman that had worked in Lena’s department came to work in mine, in the desk right next to mine. Let’s call her A. A looked familiar but our building isn’t that big, after a little while everyone looks familiar. I shrugged it off and introduced myself. But she knew exactly who I was already because we had gone to school together. Her younger sister and my younger sister had been BFFS for a time. I even baby sat for her. So we got friendly both inside and outside work. One day she was sick of me looking like this all the time and we decided I needed to get laid.
There were a couple problems:
1. I didn’t want a relationship (see above plan to move to Hawaii)
2. I hate dating.
A had the answer to both these issues: Lena from her old department! A told me that Lena and her husband were crazy sex people (I think she may have meant swingers.) And they were having issues with their current girlfriend. And he (this he would be Paul) liked crazy kinky sex like me. And Lena was bi like me. And I really needed to get laid because this was just depressing to look at all day apparently:
So A introduced me to Lena and we started chatting at work. We got along pretty well, I found out that they were not swingers but had an open relationship and a live in girlfriend but things were rocky-ish with the girlfriend and Paul. Interesting and a little complicated (swinger would have been easier) but I figured if I liked Paul too then they might work for a summer fling. After all, I wasn’t looking to be a girlfriend, just a bed buddy.
One night I was on the phone with Lena working out details for a bachelorette party she and I were going to together, she had a couple kids and the current girlfriend in the room with her while we were on the phone. I could hear them pretty clearly in the background. I’m not sure what happened but one of the kids cried out. The next voice I heard turned out to be Paul’s, he did not sound happy. In fact, I’d call his voice deep, gruff and angry in that moment. My gut reaction was “Oh hell no. This won’t work out, I don’t even want to meet whoever is attached to that voice. Sex is will be out of the question.” I’ll admit, I’m probably overly sensitive when it comes to voices. I do not like whining, intense, angry, yelling, certain languages (looking at you Portuguese), etc. No one enjoys being yelled at (well, that might not be true) but I’m the sort of person that will completely ignore you forever if I don’t like the tone of your voice once. I know, not kind or understanding of me. But there is enough negativity out there, why would I invite more in on purpose? Lena assured me that it was just a stressful moment, he was really a very nice person and I would like him. I’d meet him the night of the party and see for myself. In my head all I could think was:
A few days later I was introduced to Paul and oddly enough, he seemed cool. No voice issues at all, in fact this calm guy had a nice, deep manly but gentle voice. I agreed to go to a cookout at their house the next day. A couple weeks later Paul and I started a weekend booty call thing, I would show up at their house to “watch a movie” and half way though be fucking like an animal, saying good night and heading home by midnight. Maybe Paul will tell the Hidy Blanket story sometime, it’s a classic. Anyway, it was a ton of fun, a relaxed, kinda kinky (sometimes) good time. It wasn’t every weekend, just when we were both free. Great sex, no strings, perfect.
Yup. Paul and I started chatting on AOL on week nights. I figured it would be quick “Hey are you free for some anal this weekend?” type questions. But no, Paul had to go and be his normal charming self. Next thing I knew, we were rehashing our days every night, talking out problems, having online chat sex (remember when that was a thing?) I was actually looking forward to talking to him. A lot. He wasn’t just good in bed, he was an actual nice person that I really liked. He was smart, a loving husband, a great father, helpful, friendly, kind. At the same time Lena and I chatted at work during the day. She was also a wonderful, creative, lovely person that I enjoyed talking to (most of the time, we had -and on occasion still have – our disagreements.) WTF?? This was unexpected.
Next thing I knew summer had come and gone and “we’ll hang out when we have time to fuck” was every weekend night but not always to just fuck. Then they met my kid and I met their kids and the kids all met (and loved) each other. In a blur, we were spending weekend afternoons and evenings all together. Then we were having sleepovers. And not just super fun sexy sleepovers (those did happen too) but kid friendly, lets get dinner and rent a movie kinds of sleepovers (that turned very sexy after the kids were all in bed.) They were great times. Eventually I had to admit I was in love with Lena and Paul, accidentally, but there it was. That sound you hear are my dreams of living in Hawaii going down the drain.
So that’s how we met and I fell in love.
As far as the sex goes….When we have sex it’s fun, playful, kinky and mind-blowing.
Sorta like this only with sentation instead of fireworks:
Unfortunately time and work hours are not on our side. Lena and I work first shift, Paul works 2nd shift, plus overtime. We hardly ever see the guy outside of Facetime. If we can overcome the not being in the same room hurdle (and sometimes we do) scheduling time for all three of us to play is nearly impossible. We’re all busy working adults with a family to take care of, a house to run and renovate (see The Wall post which will be coming soon), friends to see, various clubs and groups for us and the girls, days just fly by. Especially the weekend days when we’re all together (mostly) and have half a chance to screw around. It’s pretty frustrating sometimes. Part of the reason I moved in was because I wanted to have sex more often (who doesn’t?) It was great for the couple months between me moving in and Paul getting his current job.
I wish I could complain but the relationship wasn’t all about the sex anymore. This job is much, much better than his previous one, the hit to our sex life is worth it for his safety and overall happiness. So, Paul has blanket authorization to wake me up when he gets home at 2am for some fun if he wants to. Sometimes he does (yay!), most of the time he’s tired too so sex waits until the weekend. Or a PTO day or a day I work from home. It sucks, but sleep is important too. Mostly because I’m not allowed to nap at work.
In conclusion, what I thought was going to be a hot, sexy summer turned into what many relationships evolve into: A true partnership with someone (or in my case) someones that I love and who’s well being I care about. We work together to run the house, pay the bills, raise the kids, write a blog, etc. Yes sex is in there too but sadly, it isn’t the most important part of the relationship.
And yes, on those days when I’m frustrated and wonder why I’m not living on Oahu, visiting tropical beaches everyday and learning Hula, I still blame AOL Instant Messenger. If it didn’t exist, Paul and Lena would have never been more than the couple I banged on weekends for a summer before moving away.
They are worth it though, after all isn’t love the best thing in the world?
(someone agree with the sentiment above in the comments, sometimes I need validation. please and thank you!)