Catie and I started this blog to share what we learn in our poly life, and though I’m not happy about this post, I think it’s important that I put it out there. It was a lesson for me; maybe it’ll be beneficial to some of you.
So… I’m not sure if I’m a great “therapist” or a terrible lay, but either way, my boy-toy fun has come to its inevitable end–after only two weeks.
As we’ve mentioned before, polyamory isn’t for everyone, and even when it is, it has to be done in a way that everyone feels safe, both physically and emotionally. With D, I wasn’t feeling emotionally safe.
The rules of this engagement were clearly defined from the beginning, but D and I talk. A lot. And though he was able to keep his side of the bargain, I was not. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t head over heels looking for happily ever after. But I needed to step back, and after some seriously deep conversations (which should’ve never been needed to begin with–my bad), we decided to lessen our interactions.
Shortly after our second get-together 😉 D mentioned that the connection he had with the girl from school was getting stronger, and he was excited to be dating again. Technically, this was good news. Yay, happy D. But… almost every time he talks about her, I see red flags and I have to bite my tongue not to say, “Stay away from her!”
Okay, for those of you reading this and thinking, “Sounds like jealousy to me,” I’m not gonna lie. There’s definitely a little bit of that tainting my emotions. I mean, how am I to react when he tells me that, though she’s unavailable for a few months, he told her he’d “wait for her… no matter how long.”
(Side bar – Yes, that’s correct. She’s currently unavailable. But don’t worry, she’s already told her current man that she’s leaving him. For D. Because she wants to be with D. Unfortunately, in the meantime, they have to hide their time together. hm… Am I the only one seeing red flags? If she told the current guy that she’s leaving him for D, then why are they hiding…?)
Then, a couple of weeks ago, D and I had a bit of an argument. We were chatting via text, something got misunderstood, we argued. The next morning, I asked to see him so I could clear things up face-to-face. He said he wasn’t sure what he’d be doing because his non-girlfriend was sick. And if he didn’t hang out with her, he might be hanging out with his buddy.
Talk about the proverbial back burner, looked for only when no one better was available.
Hurt and angry, I decided to break things off. I mean, clearly he meant a lot more to me than I did to him. I had gone out of my way, so many times, for him, but I wasn’t worth the time to pencil in? I mean, he could’ve said, “Not today; I have tentative plans already, but how about some other day?” Nope. Just, “I might be busy.”
So I sent him a looong text. Told him that this thing between us –whatever it was–wasn’t working out and I wished him well. And I meant it. And then… “Also, don’t worry about a reply, because I’m blocking your number.” Yup… I said that. I didn’t do it; couldn’t bring myself to go through with it, but I hoped it’d be enough to drive him away.
His reply was a single word: “Don’t”
For someone who was already emotional, that word was a kick in the gut. Instead of replying, I deleted his contact info and unfriended him on FB. Yup, I meant business.
(Side bar: When I told Bina what I’d done, she said, “Well, that’s a bit extreme. Are you that upset that he’s hanging out with someone else?” No. I was that upset about our overall… thing. I’m too prideful to be anybody’s backup to the backup. I had showed him that he was fairly high on my priority people list, but for him, I was somewhere between the gardner and the cashier at the gas station. Both very important, but on his terms. Yeah, that’s not gonna work for me…)
But I never blocked him. So when his texts came through…
Fast forward a week and we’re texting. A lot. Again.
But now we have some unspoken guidelines. He knows how I feel about his non-girlfriend, and though she comes up once in a while in conversation, it’s limited. (He’d never say it, but I think he enjoys knowing that her presence in his life bothers me. I’d guess it shows I care? I don’t mind. It makes me feel good that others care about me; I’m okay with giving him the same feeling.)
After all that, D and I have come to the conclusion that: a) yes, we’re still friends, though I’m a lot more cautious with him now, b) I’m still worried about his relationship with the non-girlfriend, and c) no more fun times, at least not until she’s out of his life. After all, I’m not going to have sex with him while he’s thinking of someone else. And he won’t have sex with me while wanting someone else. Shrug. At least we agree on this.
We haven’t seen each other face-to-face since that chaotic trip. And since I got bitch-slapped the last time I asked to see him, I won’t be making that mistake again. If he wants to see me, he’s going to have to ask. Otherwise, our thing will remain via text.
Lesson for me? I’m way too emotional to have a sex-toy… Oh well…
Keep it sexy.
Hi there, Catie here.
This is pretty much how I figured things would unfold and exactly what I expected from D. To paraphrase Sting’s song Perfect Love….Gone Wrong:
“Runner up or Second Best just ain’t Lena’s pedigree”
Being second isn’t easy under the best of circumstances and these were not good circumstances. D needed a combination quick lay, BFF, babysitter, therapist and ego boost. Lena checked all those boxes. His “Don’t” at the end of the relationship is totally his way to keep her on his radar in these roles. I don’t think she should have responded. I would have blocked his ass before he even had a chance to send the text. Actually, I probably would have just ghosted him and not sent a “its over” text.
No, I don’t think people that piss me off (even unintentionally) deserve “closure.” I really don’t think closure is even a thing. People that need the last word all the time invented it as a way to legitimize always needing to have the last word. You’re being ignored, grow up and move on…the other person has already.
For the record: Yes I’ve been on the receiving end of this. It bothered me for .25 of a second and then I remembered that I don’t need to give anyone that kind of control over my happiness. Thank you, next.
As much as Second is a bad spot for Lena, it’s a good spot for me. I’m a second born, I was second in Ri’s dad’s list of priorities (most of the time he was 2nd in mine) and second in this relationship too (L & P, don’t start, it’s just how it is and will be and I’m fine with it.) Second is a good place, somewhat important but with freedom.
I’d like to think that I would handle an emotionless, boy-toy situation better than Lena did but the truth is, who knows? Paul was just supposed to be a summer fling and look what happened there. (I still blame AOL IM.) I’m not really interested in finding out one way or the other, I feel like I have enough on my plate. And there is only one person I know that I’d consider having casual sex with. He’s very married and not into me.
Poly life is so much fun, isn’t it?
Until next time!